Jul 28, 2018, 03:46 PM
Please do me a favour whoever is reading this , dont carry on reading if you have somewhat of a good day because i dont want to be the one ruining it , i already have enough to deal with as is. I'm just so fucking sick of everything , ive had enough to deal with , i have had extreme anhedonia and extreme brain fog for like the past year , my concentration is fucking shit and my decision making skills have deteriorated , i am unable to use logic to deal with everyday situations anymore and my memory is just so fucking terrible i cant even remember when i have waken up. I have recently done the leaving certificate (state exams in ireland) and honestly i think i fucked up because i was just so fucking out of it , and you wanna know how good my luck is? I was just put on new antidepressants and tranquilisers A FEW DAYS BEFORE THE EXAMS STARTED! I tried my best to study even though my cognitive abilities have been deteriorated to shite , i remember 7 hour study sessions where i could only manage to do a chapter of a certain subject but atleast i can say i fucking tried... I was also referred to mental health services because my condition was deteriorating and i think they told the school about the shite im going through which would explain why i was offered timeouts or coffee during the exams and stuff... I have had multiple mental breakdowns and panic attacks and suicide attempts , what really terrifies me is that i dont have any fucking memory of any of these things happening so before i know it at anytime i could just fucking end it all and i wouldnt even know i was doing it!! I do have great friends who have been there for me but i honestly just feel so fucking bad that they care about me , i dont even know why! I'm also someone who hates my own fucking family because of the toxic environment i have been put through and still am in which is in no way helping me in any way. I also have trouble understanding my own fucking feelings so i dont like it when someone asks how i am because i dont even know how i fucking am , i always lie about it like saying "im fine" or some shit! , i'm also extremely anxious and paranoid and i just cant fucking take it anymore! Too top it all off i have OCD just sprinkled on this shit! I'm sorry i just really had to fucking vent because im so fucking sick of all this shit! I hope ye could understand me because i really dont think i make sense when i write or talk , and if any of ye need anyone to talk to i am just a text away..
